mother in law!!

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mother in law!!

Postby happybunny14 » Thu Aug 28, 2014 4:58 am

Hi girls, I really need to vent and wonder if anyone is having the same problem.
My ds is 4 weeks old and my mil is obsessed with him. Dont get me wrong we've always got on well and shes been very good to me but since he was born I feel like everytime I turn around shes there and never knows when to leave! Staying till 10pm sometimes knowing full well im tired and want to go to bed.
Even the day he was born she arrived in on top of me as soon as he was born even though oh had told her he would ring when it was ok to come in i hadnt even changed and was covered in blood etc and she stayed for hours went home and came back again that night!
Ill drop hints and say im tired having an early night etc but she pretends she doesnt hear me! I feel I cant say anything to oh as theyre very close and i know he would get defensive if i say anything same as i would if he said anything about my mam. I just dont know what to do I dont want to fall out with oh over it but shes driving me crazy!! Any suggestions?
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Re: mother in law!!

Postby mummytobe2014 » Thu Aug 28, 2014 1:56 pm

Sorry to hear you're going through this! Congratulations on your little boy! She sounds like a nightmare. When we had DS i really didn't want any visitors for the first week or so. I was ok with MIL and that coming to see him in the hospital the first day but after that we told everyone we would like some time to ourselves to find our feet. But both my MIL and FIL kept calling and kept saying they have a present from so and so can I bring it up... So FIL would keep coming up and one evening mentioned how I looked tired (as if I Wasn't coping well)- I mean it's no surprise I looked tired being a brand new mammy with no sleep. So the calls increased and my MIL Kept texting OH to see was everything ok. So when she came up next I put make up on and she was so surprised at how well I looked and how well I was taking to being a new mum. She's a real worrier and I guess she meant well but now every time I see her I have to make sure I'm done up a bit otherwise she thinks I'm not well!!! DS is 7 months now and everytime we go visit she does thing that make me anxious- like she randomly will up and leave the room with him or won't let anyone else hold him- I just have to bite my tongue.
Your MIL is really overstepping the boundaries. Maybe mention to your OH that you need time to adjust to being a new mammy and could he have a chat with her and say we appreciate your help but right now we would like some time alone to get used to our little family. If you put on a united front she would probably take it less harshly rather then it being all on you. I hope it gets sorted out and enjoy your time with your little man!
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Re: mother in law!!

Postby tippmam » Thu Aug 28, 2014 2:09 pm

I am so sorry you're going through this! Being a new mam is hard enough I can't say my in laws are the same but I do agree that talking to your oh & presenting a united front is the way to go maybe oh could even talk to her alone on yer behalf but ye defo need to agree yerselves on visitors it's hard enough without people in on top of ye constantly! I wouldn't be able anyway I'd defo have flipped I'm not cool though & poor aul dh would get the brunt of it tbh!
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Re: mother in law!!

Postby happybunny14 » Thu Aug 28, 2014 6:12 pm

Thanks so much for ur replies girls I just feel like its really getting me down. My sil was here last night with her two daughters (my mils only other grandchilderen) and mil said oh ill have to alternate my visits now that I have another grandchild and go to each house every second night I felt like screaming but said nothing I honestly cannot cope with the thought of her being here for hours on end every second night!! Its like she thinks now that "her grandchild" is here that gives her the right to come and go as she pleases i know I need to talk to oh but Im just afraid he'll take it the wrong way hes the best in the world and a big softie so I dont want to hurt him or put him in a difficult position
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Re: mother in law!!

Postby iwishiwas » Thu Aug 28, 2014 7:01 pm

Oh god I know how u feel, first congratulations on becoming a mammy xxx
I'm still only pregnant and my mil has to see me few times a week to check my bump, then contradicting everything all the advice my mam has given me. My mil didn't speak to me for two years until she found out I was pregnant, I'm being honest when I say I done nothing wrong, the matter is not a case of in my opinion I was right, its a case I was really in the right and I asked her to do something for me and she responded by verbally abusing me and then telling my fil who also verbally abused me and that resulted in them ignoring me... Anyhow I got pregnant and now its like my mil has always been there and like I'm ment to just get over being ignored. Like your mil mine will come up for hours and stay until 10:30 when she knows I go to bed at 10... So if she had any respect she'd leave before 10 allowing me time to get ready for bed, if I excuse myself and go to bed she says I'm rude. My mil stays hours at a time, meaning I could arrive home from work and she'll turn up moments later and my whole evening will be gone, if I get up to do chores whiles she's there again she bitches about me to the whole family saying how rude and inconsiderate I am. I'd love to say something to her but I know that if I do il probably be ignored for another year or two, which is fine by me but not fair on my OH.

I've concluded that the lesson my mother never thought me growing up is, that some people are very different and have no respect or cop on and no matter how you approach them, they will not have a rational conversation with you. And some people bring out the worse in you. A lesson I will teach my children!

Sorry this turned into a rant about my mil! I feel like i will have to be honest with my mil and tell her if she wants to stay hours then she can but I will have to get on with the things I want to do. Also every second day is ridiclus I'd also have to say maybe twice a week is enough, its their choice how they wish to react in the end. Tell your OH how you feel and hopefully he will stand by you and he can say something rather than you needing to.
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Re: mother in law!!

Postby Purplebiz » Thu Aug 28, 2014 9:09 pm

Without being rude could you excuse yourself and say you are tired and go bed early and bring baby. Leave mil with your oh. Or if during the daytime apologies and say you have to go that you have arranged to meet a friend for lunch. Try to be gone when you expect her to call. I know a pain to have to do that but if you do it a few times she might not call as often. That way your not offending your oh or mil.

I am lucky my mil is very nice and is always there if I need her but she gives me my space. I know she will give me that same respect once I have had my baby.

I hope things get better for you.
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Re: mother in law!!

Postby happybunny14 » Thu Aug 28, 2014 10:28 pm

Oh iwishiwas sounds like ur mil is a but two faced she obvuously realises now that u hold the cards and she'll have to play nice to see her grandchild! Purplebiz I did that last night she rang to see how he was and I said oh he had a bit of an off day today hes been awake since 6am with no more than 10 min naps at a time which was true and I was exhausted...low and behold half an hour later she arrives over I was so mad! And then she kept sayin oh u look exhausted and I was thinkin in my head well go fuckin home and let me go to bed!! So 10pm came and ds still hadnt settled so I said sorry but im goin to head up to bed and see if I can settle him there and left her and fil with oh but it doesnt make any difference she came over again this evening thats 3 nights in a row!!!
Shes not long gone and I tried to talk to oh but now iv just made thing worse I told him that her callin over every night or every second night is a bit much and he got really defensive and said well we see ur parents nearly every day (but the difference is we call to them so we can leave whenever we want they rarely come here unless I ask them to) now hes mad that iv said that and we're in bed watching telly but u could cut the tension with a knife I just cant win feel like crying
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Re: mother in law!!

Postby tippmam » Fri Aug 29, 2014 9:16 am

Oh no happy bunny that sucks such a hard position to be in I think defo go to bed with LO surely if LO isn't in the sitting room they've no reason to be there? Maybe try it a couple of nights running see will they get the hint makes it hard when your hubby isn't on same page would it be a big job to call to her during the day? Get in there first so to speak? I know you shouldn't have to but Jaysus ya can't have her every night I'd go mental anyway
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Re: mother in law!!

Postby cudleyb » Fri Aug 29, 2014 10:33 am

Oh god ladies sounds like a nightmare I'm lucky in the way my mil is elderly she had my hubby late in life so she's unable to come to see us my hubby sees her everyday and I make the effort to visit on weekends and she's delighted with herself but like that I can leave wen I like which is great... I live close to my mam and normally she'd be all up in my business but since my lo is born she's been giving me the space I need but at same time being there wen I need her which is great... I hope you manage to sort something out cos you don't want to keep tension with you and your oh its not good for any of you
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Re: mother in law!!

Postby iwishiwas » Fri Aug 29, 2014 10:03 pm

Oh you poor thing, I really feel your pain. I think you need to ask OH to talk to them or tell him you will, which would her rather?
You need space and time to yourself, just be honest with OH. I prob sound awful but I think everyone is more comfortable with their own parents rather than inlaws, so maybe ask your OH how he'd feel if it was ur parents around constantly. Maybe you could even just be honest with then and say they can visit most days but they should give you a short visit and leave at an early time.

I always argue with my OH about my Inlaws since I've become pregnant, he understands now but he still won't be the one to say something, where when my mam live in my ear I just say it to her straight out and we've never fallin out over it, she just cops on that between work, life, family and friends space is needed for yourself and oh. Your life has changed so much now with ur ds and you need time to enjoy it, just the 3 of you. It makes me really mad to think that they would stay so late when you've a new baby, its rude to stay that late anyway unless they're invited to do so. I really hope you can sort some sort of compromise with visiting times xxx
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