relationship problems(I know its long but pls help)

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relationship problems(I know its long but pls help)

Postby happybunny14 » Sun Oct 19, 2014 1:59 am

Hi girls,
My son is 12 wks old and I call to my parents house for about 30-60 mins most evenings but my mother in law is obsessed with him she wants to spend every waking minute with him and is constantly trying to get me to give him to her so they can spend "time alone to bond"!! The problem is my fiancé is a major mammys boy. We see her at least every second day (for hours on end) which drives me mad but I do it for my fiancés sake. Its really been getting me down how much time we have to spend with her as shes constantly telling me that hes teeting or has wind etc as if she knows better than i do! Iv been thinking about saying something for a while now but tonight we had a few drinks and my fiancé comes out with the fact that hes unhappy that we see my parents every day and his only every second day as he doesnt want ds to be closer to my parents than his!!! Iv tried to tell him that as a new mam its natural that I would spend more time with my own mam than his but hes having none of it and says thats not fair!! I love him so much and hes so good to me but its really upsetting me he cant see it from my point of view at all. I just dont know what to do. Please help.....
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Re: relationship problems(I know its long but pls help)

Postby Itwillhappen » Sun Oct 19, 2014 5:10 am

Sorry to hear you're going through this it sounds like it's taking away from the happiness and enjoyment of your new baby. I'm terrified of the same thing happening. We live away from home and there's already been issues about who's parents house we stay in when visiting (even though our parents only live 5 miles apart) so I don't know how it's going to go when the Lo arrives. My mam would be a bit overbearing and sounds like your MIl. In a way it's understandable and I know it's not done in badness but it really gets me down. I have found lately that making a decision and standing firm seems to be working (it is hard to do I know) but you and oh probably need to be on the same page for this to work.
I could be wrong but do you think his mam has been having a word in his ear about this? Either way I would suggest making a compromise and put on a united front. Maybe you could call to each house say twice or three times a week for a hour or two hours and that's it. Have you told your oh how she makes you feel?
Another idea is Maybe you could use it to your advantage and your mil mind him for a couple of hours while you and oh have some couple time once a week or fortnight? That way she gets to see him but you don't have to listen to her going on and annoying you.
Don't let it get to you. you and your new family have to come first and I wouldn't feel bad it sounds like you're spending plenty of time with each family. And I agree that most if us want to spend more time with our own mams/family :goodluck
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Re: relationship problems(I know its long but pls help)

Postby cudleyb » Sun Oct 19, 2014 8:16 am

Ah god happybunny that doesn't sound like a nice situation to be in you've to explain to your oh that is yours and his time to bond with your lo as your lo is only 12wks old your MIL should understand that and of course you'll spend more time with your own parents cos your comfortable with them were as you wouldn't be with your MIL... By the sounds of things there your MIL's words not your oh... You'll have to sit down with your oh and discuss it cos last thing you need is tension between the both of you... Would you not drop your lo off in your MIL and go out for an hour or invite her out let her wheel your lo around etc or go to her house let her feed your lo ? I don't know what else you can do to satisfy her as you really do seem to be seeing her an awful lot as it is, sorry I couldn't have been more help hope it works itself out soon x
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Re: relationship problems(I know its long but pls help)

Postby iwishiwas » Sun Oct 19, 2014 8:36 am

Oh happybunny I'm so sorry ur going through this, it does sound like its taking away from this amazing first few weeks of your baby arrival.
My baby hasn't even arrived yet and I already have the same problem, and my inlaws don't have any respect for me, and my OH will never stick up for me so I've given up asking. I think its natural to be closer to your mam, and I have been even more so since becoming pregnant. I have always seen my mam most days, and would always pop in for 30-60min too. I'd have no problem if OH done this or the in-laws popped into us, but they dont count it as a visit unless its at least 2-3hours long, AT LEAST!
yesterday I told MIL straight out that I would like it if she only visited for 30-60min at a time like my mother would, Ye know just pop in when ur out or pop up for a coffee instead of the whole planned visit 2-3times a week for 4hours each time and she straight out said NO that's not a visit! To make it worse my SIL has gone crazy as she is ttc with no sucess so she's gone off the scene so Inlaws only have us to visit.
I'm going to have to sit OH down and tell him how I feel before our LO arrives as its all about respect at the end of the day and you should have a right to your own time and space without pressure and jealousy. I think it just gets to the stage where we have to be honest and the inlaws can take it how they choose, at the end of the day the don't want to fall out with you as the mother of their grandchild. Hope you sort it out xxx
I hope its shows that losts of inlaws are crazy so when bringing your baby up tell them not to fall to in love untill they check out their inlaws! LOL make sure they give themselves the oppurtunity to run!!!
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Re: relationship problems(I know its long but pls help)

Postby happybunny14 » Sun Oct 19, 2014 10:47 pm

Thanks so much for the replies girls really needed to vent, my mil is Exactly the same she stays for hours on end the week he came home from hospital she came every night and stayed till 10pm!! Iv tried letting her have him a few times for an hour or so but she just takes the piss and wont give him back like ill ring to say im on my way over and she'll be like oh we're just heading out the door for a walk we'll be another hours or so etc etc and it doesnt makw a difference if she sees him in the day she'll still arrive over at night time anyway!
Iv tried talkin to oh and it turned into a MASSIVE row its like hes brainwashed the second I mention her name he gets all defensive. Its like yee said its really taking the good out of these first few weeks I feel like I canr breath and theres nothing I can do
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Re: relationship problems(I know its long but pls help)

Postby Itwillhappen » Sun Oct 19, 2014 11:26 pm

She sounds like a controlling so and so. Don't let her walk all over you it sounds like she needs putting in her place. Would you be able to speak to her alone and explain nicely that your feeling under pressure and that she needs to back off a bit? Say that you think the world of them all and don't want any fights but you need more space.or tell your hubby that if he doesn't have a word you will and that might make him realise how down you are. It's so sickening how a lot of men are such mammies boys!
If that doesn't work I'd probably end up being petty and for every comment she makes I'd reply with a cutting comment....at least you can blame it on hormones what excuse has she got?
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Re: relationship problems(I know its long but pls help)

Postby MrsM » Mon Oct 20, 2014 6:54 pm

OMG she's so like my Mil it drives me insane!! I cringe every time we see her because she is so intense and clingy to my ds. Hubby is a complete mummy's boy too and she's well able to make him feel guilty and emotionally blackmail him.she lives on her own so plays the poor me card to him all the time. Most days I can grin & bear it but one of these I will snap!
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Re: relationship problems(I know its long but pls help)

Postby iwishiwas » Mon Oct 20, 2014 8:50 pm

Oh god, sounds terrible. I think u should say to to her infront of OH, OH should now put you and your needs first. My OH said he will say something to my in-laws but I don't trust he will as he's also a mammys boy! so I told him to tell them not to visit for as long or stay as late and to say it when I'm there so any issues can be sorted there and then.

I think its so unfair, I know we share our babys and they are cousins, siblings and grandkids too but first they are ours and we should have respect and space and time with them alone. I really hope ur OH sorts it for you as he should.
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Re: relationship problems(I know its long but pls help)

Postby buttonsbump » Wed Oct 22, 2014 11:18 am

My baby is roughly the same age and the in laws are definitely something you have to learn to navigate. I am lucky in that my MIL is really lovely and that they don't like to come visit us but they do love to see their grandson. My OH is always asking me to go out for an hour but I argue that there is no such thing as an hour visit with them,we end up there for hours. They are so nice and are genuinely thrilled to see him but he is at the stage where I am trying to get him into a routine so we are limited as to what times suit. I have had the "oh i did it this way, but she only means well but sometimes I feel under pressure to be doing things right. My OH is very supportive of me but quite often suggests we go visit so as a compromise he takes the baby while i stay at home and either relax or get stuff done. This way the grandparents are happy and the OH gets to relax to as they give all their attention to the baby. Also I think whilst we dont always agree with what they say, they have raised our OH so admittedly they are very capable and loving and they will be just the same with our children. At first I found it hard to be without him for a couple hours but you soon realise they are safe and happy and it is a win win. Your MIL sounds quite overbearing and I think your Oh has to be a little more supportive. Of course it is easier to spend time with your own mum as you feel more comfortable around her and free to be totally yourself. My own mum is quite overprotective of our wee one but at least because she is my mum I can tell in the politest of ways to cop on :) My good deed this week was to surprise my OH with a meal out and had the baby sent to my in laws for the evening,the first time I felt comfortable leaving him without either of us there. We both had a wonderful relaxed time. Maybea you could arrange something like this with your MIL. Then maybe perhaps explain to her that you might start to introduce a routine and if she wanted to help it might be better to do so at a regular time every day and perhaps leave her to it if tbe baby is happy and you can vet stuff done.
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Re: relationship problems(I know its long but pls help)

Postby omgbfp » Wed Oct 22, 2014 11:48 pm

Ohmigod that sounds tough. I won't start on my MIL but I'm completely of the advantage that 90% of the time hubby agrees with me that she's a stark raving lunatic.
God I wonder will we remember this MIL hating stage of our lives when our DSs start bringing girls home?!!

Would you consider taking a step back from both families & concentrating on yer own family at home? The 3 of ye could become even stronger & in no time at all I bet it would be the 3 of ye against the world & ye wouldn't mind so much not being involved with either family too much!
I hope it works out for you, it sounds very stressful at such a precious time!
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Re: relationship problems(I know its long but pls help)

Postby cudleyb » Thu Oct 23, 2014 8:45 am

Aw happybunny have you had any let up with your MIL at all? Has your oh changed his tune and backed you up! Its a horrible situation to be in and it is ruining wats meant to be the happiest time if your life and your bonding time with your lo. I really hope you can't come to some agreement soon :-)
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Re: relationship problems(I know its long but pls help)

Postby happybunny14 » Sun Oct 26, 2014 5:51 am

No change unfortunately girls and I dont think it ever will. I talk to oh and it goes in one ear and out the other! We had arrange to go our for something to eat on fri when oh had finished work just me him and the baby and when I came down stairs oh goes oh I juat got off the phone to mam there shes gonna come with us! Does she have no cop on I dont know which of them im angrier at! Then his father came over and oicked up ds who then started to cry and he turns to me and says im not suprised the child is crying hes making strange with me now its been two weeks since iv seen him! (which is a complete lie) and I said hes too young to make strange and u were here on Thursday and he just completely ignored me! I fot on so well with them before ds arrived and now its getting to the stage where my blood boils at the sight of them!
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Re: relationship problems(I know its long but pls help)

Postby omgbfp » Mon Oct 27, 2014 9:12 am

Oh happybunny it's a nightmare isn't it. I could write a book on my MIL but we had DS 1st birthday party on Sat. She did not leave him alone all day. Think she was trying to show off 'I mind him, he's used to me, he loves me'. Every time he whinged she was over to soothe him. All the pictures of us with him & the cake her head is stuck in the middle of us. I'm raging over it but its not his actual birthday until Friday so I'm gonna do another cake for just the 3 of us & we'll hopefully get some nice pics of just the 3 of us. I think she was trying to show off to my family but I made a big fuss over him spending time with my mam & making sure I got nice pics of them. She really bites herself in the ass, if she hadn't been so pushy I'd have made an equal fuss of her but she annoyed me so much I didn't even get a photo of them! As I say the only thing I have going for me is she annoys hubby as much as she annoys me & he gave out to her a couple of times & was giving out about her after the party. I can definitely see us having words at some stage but I'd really be lost without her to mind him as my family are an hour away so I do have to watch myself!
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Re: relationship problems(I know its long but pls help)

Postby Babygirl291214 » Fri May 01, 2015 10:21 pm

happybunny14 wrote:Hi girls,
My son is 12 wks old and I call to my parents house for about 30-60 mins most evenings but my mother in law is obsessed with him she wants to spend every waking minute with him and is constantly trying to get me to give him to her so they can spend "time alone to bond"!! The problem is my fiancé is a major mammys boy. We see her at least every second day (for hours on end) which drives me mad but I do it for my fiancés sake. Its really been getting me down how much time we have to spend with her as shes constantly telling me that hes teeting or has wind etc as if she knows better than i do! Iv been thinking about saying something for a while now but tonight we had a few drinks and my fiancé comes out with the fact that hes unhappy that we see my parents every day and his only every second day as he doesnt want ds to be closer to my parents than his!!! Iv tried to tell him that as a new mam its natural that I would spend more time with my own mam than his but hes having none of it and says thats not fair!! I love him so much and hes so good to me but its really upsetting me he cant see it from my point of view at all. I just dont know what to do. Please help.....


Hi happybunny,
Firstly I am really sorry that you have to deal with this, I am sure your partner is a good person but he does need to understand that you will naturally spend more time with your own family than his. That's just how women work I think! My baby girl is just gone 4 months and I call to my mam twice a week or so and my sister also, no one in my family drives so its hard to get to them more than this. They all complain and say it to me almost every day, they try to guilt me into calling in more that this saying they don't see her enough, that she wont know who they are etc, bit mellow dramatic I think! But I just try to ignore it! Everyone in my partners family drives, from the day I took my little lady home his mother hinted at us to call to her that she "needed" to be in her nans house and it would be terrible if she wasn't. We had an appointment for her hearing in the coombe about 2 weeks after having her it was at 3pm his mother guilted us into calling to her that evening on the way home at like 5:30pm despite her living 10 mins from my house and driving and having a car. So as tired as we all were and I was still recovering from a massive tear and found it quite hard to get around we went there just to shut her up. I love his mam to bits and what I am complaining about may seem petty to you considering the situations are quite different but I can empathise somewhat. Even to this day she still goes on that I don't call over enough with the baby but like I need to travel to see my family twice a week and she drives so I just take it with a pinch of salt. Also, before the baby came his sister told me she was taking the week after I was due off to spend it with the baby, basically told me she would be there all the time. I tried to explain that I would be in with my mam quite a bit and the looks I got would split you in two :roll: , I was soo p'd off over this, I did not want someone there 24/7 and she basically said tough so we had to say it to everyone that we wanted some space to adjust once we got home. It didn't go down too well, It was said that I told them I didn't want them to call at all but that was not the case. Its just jealousy, both families want equal time with the grandchild but that generally doesnt happen. Basically what I am trying to say is just put your foot down, after all you gave birth to the baby not his mam. I know it is hard because my other half agreed with me and he stood up to his family that's were the difficulties lie but try to make him understand, I am sure you have tried already but maybe sit him down and tell him how this truly makes you feel. You are not here to keep others happy. You do what you want to do. I am sick of both families making my feel guilty for not visiting enough, complaining that this person gets to see the baby more than that person etc, I have listened to it for 4 months now and I have just hit a stage where I don't even care anymore :lol: . Best of luck with everything hun and put yourself and the little baba first ;-)
Leanne ;-)
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